Under the Yellow Sunshine

It’s a Saturday-feeling Wednesday. It’s a non-working holiday for due to the inauguration of President Elect Noynoy Aquino. I watched the inauguration program televised live on ABS-CBN. There, at the Quirino grandstand is another historical event for the Philippines. Is it, really? Or it’s just another grand festive event celebrated to help divert our attention from the problems, not only of the country, but also of our own and of the rest of the world?

Whatever it is. I am wearing that yellow smiley on my face. I am thankful that even for a while, I was elevated to a state of high hopes and genuine excitement. In Pres. Noynoy’s speech, he promised to work hard to eliminate corruption (as suggested by his campaign slogan “walang mahirap kung walang corrupt”) and significantly decrease red tape. And as usual talked about protection of the OFWs and delivering a better quality of education and employment via provision of more school supplies and creation of more infrastructures. (Will I see more yellow?) All of which, I expected to hear in his speech. But what I appreciated the most in his speech was when he talked about having “no reconciliation without justice”. He claims that whoever has wronged him has been forgiven, but those who have wronged the Filipinos are not forgotten. Applause! I really do hope that justice is served because it has not been for the past years, or if it has been, I felt that it wasn’t served hot. (Part of being just is giving what is due when it is needed the most... If ever, will it still be just to punish GMA for bamboozling her way through her presidency when she already has caused irreversible damage?)

For what its worth, the conviction present in President Noynoy’s speech, makes me look forward to better governance. With the enthusiasm I saw in the people on our TV screen, I await a more active citizenship.

But I’m done waiting… I am tired of waiting. My optimism towards the future is coming to an end. I am letting go of hopefulness as I am replacing it with hard work and dedication. It is not to say I’ve given up, rather it is I saying this is not a fight but a journey to a better life.

It is true what they say “good things come to those who wait” but great things happen to those who initiate. Aren’t you bored and disappointed by waiting and nothing seems to happen? I am. That’s why I’m done waiting. I’d go wake up tomorrow under the yellow sunshine and walk out that street with a smile on my face wearing my aviators because YES the future is bright and I’ve got work to do. :)

I’d like to believe that life isn’t a battlefield...

These past days, I have been finding myself in a situation where I cannot explain how I feel. There have been too many questions attacking my sanity. “Who am I, really? What is my mission in life? How do people see me? Do I see myself the same way? What makes me truly happy? What is it to live life? What? When? Where? Why? How?” I am drowning. I am confused. I feel lost. I want to escape.

A lot of times I ask myself, am I in the right place at the right time? I will never know… maybe not yet. I have always believed that living life is about choosing happiness. Thus, every time I felt sad, disappointed, hurt, taken for granted, rejected or anything negative, I shove it down under the rug. I escape. I run away from the pain and from the questions that come with it. ‘Til now, pain and questions sneak in to haunt me.

I always chose the happy life. I believed that I do not deserve to get hurt and feel pain. But I guess I was wrong. It is not to say that I, or anyone else, deserve the pain; it’s just a fact of life that pain is a great teacher and everyone deserves something great. I need to be able to acknowledge that gift. In trying to do so, I have noticed that most of the success stories have a common denominator, challenges- a great possibility of failure.

Failure was always out of the question. It wasn’t welcome in my world. It was something to be kept in the bounds of possibility and never played in reality. I feared it. I didn’t want it. I worked against it. Then I realized, in doing so, I have failed. The lack of appreciation of failure leads me to appreciate life less. Growing up, I was made to believe that I always deserved the best. (Thank you, my uber-loving family). Thus, when things don’t go my way, I easily get disappointed. I easily get hurt. It was my failure.

I fathom that living life isn’t only about the happy times but also the painful times. I learned that just because a smile is easier to look at doesn’t make it more beautiful and more valuable than a teardrop. Things, even people, can be deceiving and our best weapon against it is a huge set of questions.

I’d like to believe that life isn’t a battlefield… but if I am wrong, may I be right to believe that living life well isn’t about the battles won nor the questions answered, but it is about the weapons used, the questions asked and what you become when the fight is over.

Let's begin with the end...

June plays the melodious notes of wedding tunes; the bells are ringing as classes begin. June is both a beginning and an end. I guess that is why it is perfectly scheduled to be in the middle of the year. Most people are probably getting ready for school or for married life while I am in bed reminiscing memories and feeling scared what’s out there.

I am graduating on June 5 yet, why? Ask UA&P. Whatever their reasons are our queer graduation schedule emphasized the beginnings in endings. Looking at my graduation picture I still couldn’t picture who I will be instead, I see imperfections. “My cheeks are huge. I’m fat.” Gah Steph. When will that ever end?

Immaturity and shallow thoughts- that’s what filled me looking at my graduation picture and it felt so wrong. I wish I saw myself smiling on a magazine cover as one of the greatest modern economist or as the newest UN ambassador. I wish, but I didn’t.

I feel so dumb already. Only two months of being out of school, made me feel like a lot of my brain cells have become inactive. There is no one to blame ‘bout this feeling but myself. It’s always a matter of perspective. My brain cells are active as ever as it is not only not my academic knowledge that has been enhanced but also my practical knowledge. My people skills have been tested. I have been thrown out into the “real world” soon before I even recognized it. I don’t need to walk on the halls and stairway of PICC in my toga to know that what is real is difficult to deal with.

I am scared, but I am not scared about being scared. This kind of fear is one I actually like, this fear is a realization that whatever is in front of me is valuable. More importantly, this fear speaks of what I have learned. I know that I do not know much, but that is not why I am scared. I am scared because I am afraid of not being able to use what I have learned to its optimum. I am scared- of failing to achieve my dreams, of getting rejected, of knowing that I have to unlearn so a billion things to truly live life. They say that whatever is out there is not ideal, not perfect. I have yet to see and experience. Optimistic as I am, I am diving into the real world with a belief that it is beautiful. Although I carry with me fear, I am not scared for I know I am carrying something real. Reality bites, but I’d bite it harder.

So as I sit up to publish this entry, I shall update my resume and write a feasibility study on my business plan. Good enough for a starter? :D