Let's begin with the end...

June plays the melodious notes of wedding tunes; the bells are ringing as classes begin. June is both a beginning and an end. I guess that is why it is perfectly scheduled to be in the middle of the year. Most people are probably getting ready for school or for married life while I am in bed reminiscing memories and feeling scared what’s out there.

I am graduating on June 5 yet, why? Ask UA&P. Whatever their reasons are our queer graduation schedule emphasized the beginnings in endings. Looking at my graduation picture I still couldn’t picture who I will be instead, I see imperfections. “My cheeks are huge. I’m fat.” Gah Steph. When will that ever end?

Immaturity and shallow thoughts- that’s what filled me looking at my graduation picture and it felt so wrong. I wish I saw myself smiling on a magazine cover as one of the greatest modern economist or as the newest UN ambassador. I wish, but I didn’t.

I feel so dumb already. Only two months of being out of school, made me feel like a lot of my brain cells have become inactive. There is no one to blame ‘bout this feeling but myself. It’s always a matter of perspective. My brain cells are active as ever as it is not only not my academic knowledge that has been enhanced but also my practical knowledge. My people skills have been tested. I have been thrown out into the “real world” soon before I even recognized it. I don’t need to walk on the halls and stairway of PICC in my toga to know that what is real is difficult to deal with.

I am scared, but I am not scared about being scared. This kind of fear is one I actually like, this fear is a realization that whatever is in front of me is valuable. More importantly, this fear speaks of what I have learned. I know that I do not know much, but that is not why I am scared. I am scared because I am afraid of not being able to use what I have learned to its optimum. I am scared- of failing to achieve my dreams, of getting rejected, of knowing that I have to unlearn so a billion things to truly live life. They say that whatever is out there is not ideal, not perfect. I have yet to see and experience. Optimistic as I am, I am diving into the real world with a belief that it is beautiful. Although I carry with me fear, I am not scared for I know I am carrying something real. Reality bites, but I’d bite it harder.

So as I sit up to publish this entry, I shall update my resume and write a feasibility study on my business plan. Good enough for a starter? :D